I've had a bit of a down week - from the beginning of last week until now. Things are a bit jumbled in my head at the moment, so figuring out where I should be, or even WHO I should be, remands garbled in my mind. My thoughts fill my brain like sticky molasses - making even the most deliberate pondering of any one thing, next to impossibly slow. My brain feel mushy and confused.
Where is the MyKidney blog going? How can I continue to blog about things that are much in my past... and passing further away with every minute. YES there are a still a world's worth of words to discuss all things "kidney". Am I the person to lead these discussions when my life feels as if its entering into new places with new opportunities? Should I be here?
I've always said that kidney disease and kidney failure don't define me, they are merely a part of me, along with all the other things in my life. I'm wondering now if I want to forget the kidney part of me all together. I have foolish dreams of being one of those people... one of those other people...
Still, here I am. On the one hand, I find myself scrambling around, frantically looking for my running shoes to get as far away from "kidney stuff" as possible. On the other - knowing my life will never not be about kidney disease keeps me a bit grounded. No matter how long I live or if my transplant lasts months or years (or decades as I secretly hope for!) My new kidney is my life. I can't forget it because my kidney is ME.
... where do I go from here?
I am no longer a patient. I no longer have Chronic Kidney Disease, I am not in End Stage Renal Disease, I am not on dialysis. I'm a post transplant recipient - tad da! The end. Goodbye!
I don't have daily dialysis stories to share or CKD advice to offer. I think that for the first time in my life I'm feeling confused about my own health and how to relate it to WHO I AM. For so long MY HEALTH has been the biggest part of ME.
So, WHO AM I NOW in my "nearly perfected fixed" condition?
As my life will get more and more normal and my kidney problems less and less important, should I stay (and blog?) or should I find other passions to drift to. Would it be fair for me to blog about things I will soon only know in a past-tense format? Is it right to assume that my past experiences might be like anyone who is experiencing similar things now? I don't know.
A big part of me wants to cool down and take a break from thinking about these things - While an equally big part of me wants to push ahead, continue to reach out and educate. Meet others who might need encouragement and friendship from someone whos "been there".
So, who am I? What is My Kidney Blog's future? Maybe you can help me figure that out...